Kathleen is (not) here

Future Blog Post

Why do i cry at wolf anime.

I have a script application due in a few hours and I have been sitting in this same position writing for three days. I slightly re-positioned my pillows a bit just now. Axel whispered “What is free will”.

Mifune’s death.

I’m working closing shifts at civic video. It’s empty a lot and usually dark outside and there are screens on the walls so I watch movies. There’s nowhere to sit in civic video but people will often stop in the middle of the room and watch with me. I try to determine how top notch my film choice was based on how many people stop to watch it. Top Gun was a top notch choice.
One customer, about to leave the store, noticed that The Amazing Spiderman was playing. He muttered “I’ll just watch this one scene” and stood beside the counter until the scene was over. It’s almost always one special scene that stops people, except for Top Gun where it’s every scene.
There’s an intimacy that comes with watching a film with a stranger in a fluorescent video store. I thought about this while watching The Matrix Revolutions at 10:30 on a Monday night. Some guy stopped and watched with me and it happened to be my favourite scene. Captain Mifune is battling against hordes of Sentinels and almost all the other APUs have fallen and he’s out of ammo. A bumbling grunt comes running to his rescue and against all odds reaches him and starts loading ammo into the back of his APU. But the Sentinels have found Captain Mifune and now hundreds, thousands of them are getting ready for a final onslaught.

The guy was still standing and watching and something told me that it was his first time seeing that scene. What an experience, I thought. I’ll write a blog post about it. About the shared intimacy, the cinematic magic. That guy with his mouth hanging open a little bit was my friend, I felt a solidarity with him that’s hard to explain. Captain Mifune sees the sentinels and yells “Get out of here kid” but the grunt won’t run and he kicks and kicks until the ammo slots into place. Mifune spins his APU to face the horde and he starts shooting and they fly at him, thousands of them, and he’s shooting and screaming and they’re slashing his face up. They’re flying past him with their electronic claw things out and Mifune is shooting and dying and it’s a beautiful death, a poetic death. The shot of his face is bravely held and the scene is still going and this guy, this guy who’s been with me from exactly the right moment, he turns and he leaves Civic video.


I went and saw Her and for a while afterwards I tried to make myself cry.
I feel like this is something I’ve been doing since I was a kid; trying to make myself express emotion in a way that’s valid. I had all of these tricks. Thinking about abandoned puppies was my no. 1 strategy. This girl Hannah was moving overseas and after school on her last day everyone was standing around crying and hugging, and my eyes were completely dry. I felt like some sort of freak because I felt absolutely nothing so I thought about puppies and I squinted and some tears came and then they hugged me too.

Nothing about Her made me want to cry. I expected a lot of it but I don’t know why, the trailers were strangely empty and the film was strangely empty in the same way. There were moments that were real and those were the moments when we watched silent, happy flashbacks. Scenes of a couple laughing right before a fight, that felt real. That felt like the way relationships are remembered and yeah, I started to think about my own. The film was just a distraction from the pit it had put in my stomach and I sat there feeling it churn. I went through a break up over a year ago, same as this guy, but the break up wasn’t something that happened to me. It wasn’t something external and enforced - I chose it. And I didn’t have a clear reason for it and I still don’t and to tell the truth I didn’t have a reason for ending the relationship before that, either. And that scares me more than anything. When it came to the end I was so completely numb and I’ve never really allowed myself to feel the ending. So I came home after Her and I tried to cry.

And it kind’ve worked but maybe for the wrong reasons. I miss the people I’ve left (sometimes) but I should miss them more. The truth is that I was in love and one day I realised I wasn’t in love anymore and I walked away and it didn’t really hurt at all. Cynicism is a great front and I enjoy it but I also hate the true cynic, the anti-romantic. Her didn’t end well, it didn’t teach me anything or give me any hope for relationships or for love. At one point the AI, Samantha, claims she’s in love with 600 people. Maybe that felt real. How interchangeable are the people we love, and have loved? I’ve put my hand against someone’s face and felt guilty, because I did it the exact same way I did to the last person. But you forget about that pretty quickly. Sometimes I think I’m in love now and sometimes I’m sure of it. But I’ve never seen a true love story and Her sure as hell wasn’t going to give me one.

I look like a hacker from the 90s


I’m starting to get feedback for my treatment. From my friend Joseph Ryan:

If you put your ear to a really powerful story, then you can hear the heartbeat of the artist who wrote it. If you can do this in your story, then people will feel your soul through time. Because story craft at its best is real emotional telepathy. You can give a book to a human on the other side of the galaxy, and that human reading can feel what that writer felt.

I like this advice because it is heartwarming and inspiring, and because it makes me think of space. What if aliens watch our movies.

In the meantime, Lightning Returns. Check out my sweet outfit:

This one villager was like “You don’t look like a grocer” how fucking dare they. There are more practical outfits but this one glows in the dark and gives me Thundara. The game is great. The whole tone is dark and desperate and I’m worried for Lightning. When I ran into the moogles I thought I saw a pink shape that could be Serah, and I was so excited for Lightning to see her again, but it was just a large glowing mushroom.

I returned it to the DVD store today thinking I should get more work done instead. Now I’m going to bleach my hair.

The view out my bathroom window the other night.

The view out my bathroom window the other night.

Is this outfit too goth for a job interview?