Kathleen is (not) here

I had this lucid dream where I was in a bathroom but I couldn’t make myself wake up. All the details were so clear that I wasn’t sure if it really was a dream, so I looked in the mirror to check. In lucid dreams reflections are always fucked up, but I looked normal. I moved a bit and my image got distorted, like the mirror was curved, and then this black stuff started oozing out from my eyes and I realised okay, it’s a dream. But I couldn’t wake up and the black stuff was filling my eyes and I was like oh shit. Maybe it’s real.

happy bi awareness week

Whatsup. I’m not exactly ‘on track’ this year but I feel alright about it. I got some feedback on my script, and it’s good and on point and totally correct, but now I need to fix that stuff in my script. Sometimes I finish a script and I’ve spent so much time thinking about it, imagining how I’ll shoot it, planning the shots and the tone, that I’m done. I’m honestly satisfied, I don’t have any more drive to go out and create it. I make short films and then I don’t really try to get an audience for them, because they’re done. I was going to write about how they’re bad also, but that’s not really the point. Films take such a long time to complete so they’d better be good, y’know. I feel like there’s more pressure with films to make something fucking good, every time. Because there are so many people involved in making them, so much time and if you’re lucky so much money. This year I’ve been doing a lot of stuff I didn’t expect. And I’m finding other ways to put stuff out there. Writing - even just little articles, stuff for Cute Bruiser - I can churn that out, I can put it out there. Making little games. Anything I can do in a room, maybe alone and in the dark. I love film a lot and I’m still working on this script okay, and I’m starting to respect documentary more, short videos about feminism or whatever can really change people’s perspectives, I think they’re important. I’m sick of that auteur worldview, the idea of the naturally talented filmmaker and their first film (their film, as if it didn’t take 100 other people to make) is new and revealing and true and what a worldview, what a treasure.
I got past my birthday without freaking out.

stop.starting.new.projects.
What is a project anyway I’m suddenly realizing that using the word ‘project’ saying you’re working on them or on ‘personal projects’ is extremely embarrassing. Like am I a type of person now, a person who works on ‘projects’ (doesn’t actually do real work)(doesn’t do work that will ever eventuate/be completed/exist?) Now I’m thinking about other art forms like gotta spread out those eggs, but I don’t even know how to cook eggs. Literally how do you fry eggs do you need oil in the pan is there water involved. This was an ‘eggs in one basket’ metaphor but I can’t even commit to a basket. I have commitment issues with every word document I have ever opened. Keep insisting that talent is a harmful concept and hard work and dedication is all you need. Also keep waiting to find the thing that you are good at (it isn’t the drums do.not buy a drumkit). But what if it is the drums.

Evangelion 2.0 

Why are there evas in other countries?
Do angels attack other countries? Why would they?
Is it to get Adam before he’s transported to Nerv?
Why is the thing that Kaji gives to Gendo no longer Adam?
What is Nebuchadnezzar’s Key?
Is it like Adam but different?
What’s going on on the moon?
Why is Kaworu just waiting on the moon?
Why does Kaworu call Gendo his father?
For a moment I thought he was calling Fuyutsuki his father.
Why do they accept Unit-03?
How was Unit-03 really an angel?
Was it given to them with the knowledge that it was actually an angel?
Why did Kaji whisper that Unit-04’s destruction wasn’t an accident?
Who would want it to blow up?
Who is Mari?
Why does Mari know the backdoor code for Unit-02?
Why change Asuka’s name?
Is Asuka still German?
Are Seele the illuminati?
Doesn’t Gendo want the third impact to happen?
Why is the impact that begins at the end of 2.0 not the kind of impact that Gendo wants?

I can’t wait to get my evangelion tattoo.

The closing credits of Man of Tai Chi are damn good. Watch Man of Tai Chi so that you can watch the closing credits of Man of Tai Chi.

Everyone keeps treating aliens like a fun joke. They’re not a fun joke.